The day I called my abuser to get closure

I received an email from someone asking me what my abuser thought of my blog. Well he passed away in 2005. he passed away from cancer.

Around 10 years ago I did talk to him. I called him on the phone to get some closure. I don't remember how I got his number. If I called information, took it from my mother or some other way.

When he answered the phone I told him who I was and that I was calling to get closure...and that if he didn't want to talk to me, I'd understand and leave it at that to never bother him again. But he wanted to talk. I don't know why I was expecting that this man would actually apologize to me.   He started out by telling me "remember when you were younger and used to say you wanted a white picket fence around a home and have horses and drinking fresh squeezed orange juice every morning?"  I was like yes...but that's not why I'm calling. I let him continue to talk....I realized the man was completely insane. He was acting like everything was normal...talking bad about my family to me, and reminiscing about the past, minus the abuse, even talking to me about God and how he was going to church. After 5 minutes of him going on and on...I finally told him that I was calling him to get closure and possibly a sorry...he started to interrupt me. I told him look. You can tell your lies to anyone, to your family to your friends and whoever. But the fact remains that I know what happened, you know what happened, and God knows what happened. I let him know there's no escape from God...that I didn't wish ill on him...but that I realize he is crazy and gets help.  I hung up. I never got my closure from him.  But again I realized how insane he was by the conversation.  Sometimes we have to accept that closure comes from within ourselves.

Triggers and my struggle with Religion

I still have triggers that I’m learning to deal with after all these years.  I still have to figure out what they all are because I don’t realize  until its to late.
My number 1 trigger is the smell of Brute. My step father use to use this. It comes in a green bottle and the smell takes me back the moment I smell it. I remember one time my husband was going to purchase the deodorant of that brand….I completely flipped out.

Another trigger…that’s not really something I come across, but it’s a memory that comes to my mind daily, that I have no control over. I love the Virgin Mary…but my step father was a “fake” catholic.  He never went to church the whole time I knew him. He used to make jokes about my aunts being crazy religious dummy’s and would turn any talk about God into something negative. He was against church and talk of God in our home.  Yet he claimed to be catholic and had a few religious items through out the home. Like a extremely large Virgin Mary portrait that was hung on the wall outside both of our room doors. The doors were right next to each other.  Every time I used the restroom, I seen her.  every time I went out or in of my or his room…I seen her.  I must have been in a very bad place on a occasion because I have a memory where her  eyes were bleeding. They were like blood tears.  I don’t know where this memory came from.  But it really made it hard for me to find God. In fact I’m still searching.  I’ve always considered myself catholic…however I’m truly not sure what I believe.  I’m currently in the process of exploring religion.  I love all religions and believe in tolerance just as much as I believe in Jesus…I believe a virgin gave birth to Jesus.  I also believe that Muslims, Jewish people and people of all religions are practicing a faith that God sent.   I’ve recently been going to a Christian church with my son.  Its been a few months.  So far I love it.  They are all about helping the community…and my son has made positive changes since attending.  The other churches I went to in the bay area seem to be more interested in politics.  Seriously I’ve been to churches here where they have flags of specific countries hung around the church.  What bothered me was they didn’t have all flags. It made me think they believed only those select countries were worthy of God.   And for those who don’t believe in God…well I have no problem with them either. I’m very tolerant of accepting others beliefs as long as they don’t try to convert me.