Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Short explanation for my MIA

I stopped posting weeks ago. I was hit really hard with a email I received. The reason I was hit hard was because I realize only someone I could know could have written it. Let me explain. In a previous post I responded to a question I received about my abuser. They wanted to know what he thought. I stated that he had died from cancer. Well I know that no one here, except those who are arriving from my  facebook know my personal life.  Stuff that I haven’t shared here. Like the reality that my husband is a Cancer survivor. He had Hodgkin’s lymphoma. He had 2 bone marrow transplants numerous chemo’s and radiation ect.   I received a email basically saying that what goes around comes around and that I am the reason that my husband got cancer ….basically calling it karma.  Today is the first day I actually opened my gmail account since then because Damm that stung!  Someone I know sucks really bad to send me such an email from a fake address!
I’m most disappointed in myself. That I still let people control my emotions and put a road block in front of me.   But I recognize it.  I don’t wish bad to the person who wrote the email….but I’m moving on.  Some people are so miserable in their own lives they only wish to keep others suppressed.

Monday, July 23, 2012

What is a pedophile?

I goggled -what is a pedophile?

this is what came up.... 


A person who is sexually attracted to children.

I continued researching this and was very upset by Wikipedia's explanation 

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This article is about the sexual interest in prepubescent children. For the sexual act, see Child sexual abuse. For the primary sexual interest in 11–14 year old pubescents, see Hebephilia. For mid-to-late adolescents (15–19), see Ephebophilia.
Not to be confused with Paraphilic infantilism.

As a medical diagnosis, pedophilia, or paedophilia, is defined as a psychiatric disorder in persons who are 16 years of age or older typically characterized by a primary or exclusive sexual interest in prepubescent children (generally those under the age of 14, though onset of puberty varies). 

Friday, July 20, 2012

No post today..God Bless the victims in Aurora Texas!

Instead of my usual daily post....I will spend today praying for the families and victims of this horrible crime.

I took the below from CNN.com

Gunman kills 12 in Colorado movie theater

By Chelsea J. Carter and Michael Pearson, CNN
updated 10:19 AM EDT, Fri July 20, 2012
  • NEW: Federal sources identify shooter as 24-year-old Aurora, Colorado, man
  • Police say 12 people killed and 38 were wounded in movie theater shooting
  • Shooter used an "AK type" rifle and two handguns, a law enforcement official says
  • The suspected gunman was taken into custody outside the theater, police say
(CNN) -- A heavily armed gunman attacked an Aurora, Colorado, movie theater early Friday, tossing tear gas before opening fire on the terrified audience and killing 12 and wounding 38, authorities said. The theater was showing the new Batman movie, "The Dark Knight Rises."
One of the injured was just 3 months old, according to hospital workers.
Police arrested a man believed to be the shooter in a rear parking lot of the theater, Frank Fania, a police spokesman, told CNN.
"He did not resist. He did not put up a fight," Fania said. Police seized a rifle and a handgun from the suspect, and another gun was found in the theater, he said.
Two federal law enforcement sources involved in the investigation identified the suspect as James Holmes, 24, of Aurora, Colorado.
Suspect warns of explosives in his home
Witness: Little girl wasn't moving
Witness sees shots through theater wall
Police describe Batman shooting scene
Aurora Police Chief Dan Oates said there was no evidence of a second gunman, and FBI spokesman Jason Pack said it did not appear the incident was related to terrorism.
President Barack Obama said he and first lady Michelle Obama were "shocked and saddened" by the shooting and pledged the administration's support for victims of the shooting.
"As we do when confronted by moments of darkness and challenge, we must now come together as one American family," Obama said.
Chaos broke out during the showing of "The Dark Knight Rises" at the Century Aurora 16 theater when the shooting began, police and witnesses said.
Police said the gunman appeared in the front of the theater and threw a smoke bomb before opening fire. A federal law enforcement official told CNN the smoke bomb described by witnesses was tear gas.
It was unclear how the man got into the theater, but witnesses told CNN affiliate KUSA that he came in through an emergency door.
One movie-goer, who was not identified, told KUSA the gunman was wearing a gas mask.
Some people in the audience thought the thick smoke and gunfire was a special effect accompanying the movie, police and witnesses said.
The smoke smelled like a Fourth of July firework, said CNN iReporter Adam Witt. It took a few gunshots before he figured out what was going on.
"There were so many people running," he said. "I didn't look back. I just remember getting up from the floor and shouting, 'We have to run.'"
Witt said he held his wife's hand as they rushed out of the theater.
"There was a moment where I lost her hand, but I grabbed her shirt," he said. "We didn't let go of each other."
Quentin Caldwell, who was attending a screening in the adjacent theater, said he wasn't sure at first what was going on, despite hearing a "pop, pop, pop, pop" sound.
"We really didn't know something was happening until someone came from the left entrance and said we should not go outside because somebody with a gun was out there," he said.
Armed guards appeared at the theater exit and demanded audience members raise their arms to ensure they were not carrying weapons, then told them to run, Caldwell said.
"Outside was chaos. There was wounded everywhere," he said.
Cell phone video taken by someone at the theater showed scores of people screaming and fleeing the building. Some had blood on their clothes.
One police officer carried a girl believed to be about 9 with gunshot wounds to her back out of the theater, a witness said. "She wasn't moving."
Officers rushed many of the wounded to hospitals in their patrol cars.
Authorities also have evacuated the suspect's Aurora apartment building after he made a statement about explosives in his unit, Oates said.
The shooter used at least four guns -- an "AK type" rifle, a shotgun and two handguns, a federal law enforcement official told CNN. The source also said the shooter used tear gas.
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms agents have searched the suspect's car and went to his home to search for explosives, agency spokesman Tom Mangan said.
Law enforcement officers who searched the suspect's apartment found "items of interest," a federal law enforcement source involved in the investigation told HLN. He did not elaborate.
A woman who lives across the street from where the suspect is believed to live said her building was evacuated by police around 4 a.m.
"They told us there was a bomb or bomb material located in the house across the street from us." Rebecca Bradshaw said.
In addition to looking into the possibility of explosives, ATF agents also are conducting emergency traces on the weapons used to see how they were obtained, Mangan said.
Police initially said 14 people had died -- 10 in the theater and four at area hospitals, but revised the death toll to 12 later Friday morning, according to Aurora Police Lt. Jad Lanigan.
Several people remained in critical condition at area hospitals.
Of the wounded, at least 20 were being treated at the University of Colorado Hospital, said spokeswoman Jacque Montgomery. All of the wounded suffered from gunshot wounds, which ranged from minor to critical, she said.
"They're arriving by police, by ambulance. Some are walking in," she said.
The victims being treated there ranged in age from 3 months to 45, the hospital said.
Denver Health Center had six patients from the shooting, one in critical condition and five in fair condition, said Shelly Davis, house supervisor.
Swedish Health Center spokeswoman Nicole Williams said her hospital was treating three people, two of them in critical condition and one in fair condition. A fourth patient was on the way, she said.
Parker Adventist Hospital was treating two people for minor injuries, according to a spokeswoman.
Hundreds of police officers descended on the theater, and the FBI has joined the investigation.
"We were calling for help from every police and fire agency," Fania said.
Warner Bros., the studio behind the movie, said the company and filmmakers were "deeply saddened" to learn of the incident. The studio canceled the movie's Paris premiere, while New York police Commissioner Raymond Kelly said his officers would watch over screenings of "The Dark Knight" to prevent copycat shootings.
Aurora, a Denver suburb, is about 13 miles from Littleton, Colorado -- site of the April 1999 Columbine High School massacre.
In that incident, two teenage students, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, armed themselves with guns and bombs and opened fire inside the high school. They killed 13 people and wounded 23 others before killing themselves.
Are you there? Share your story with us on CNN iReport.
CNN's Carol Cratty, Mike Brooks, Ed Payne, Joe Sterling, Tina Burnside, Mike Brooks and Jim Spellman contributed to this report.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Sex offender arrested 168 times and still on the streets to assault others?

Seriously???? When are we going to stop protecting sex offenders? this is pathetic. 168 arrests? so many people were sexually assaulted by this man... that's a lot of people who will have to deal with issues because of this man. When are we going to stop accepting this in our culture?? open your eyes people, this is the future of accepting abuse were leaving our children and grandchildren. Lets change the future for them!

Monday, July 16, 2012

The day I called my abuser to get closure

I received an email from someone asking me what my abuser thought of my blog. Well he passed away in 2005. he passed away from cancer.

Around 10 years ago I did talk to him. I called him on the phone to get some closure. I don't remember how I got his number. If I called information, took it from my mother or some other way.

When he answered the phone I told him who I was and that I was calling to get closure...and that if he didn't want to talk to me, I'd understand and leave it at that to never bother him again. But he wanted to talk. I don't know why I was expecting that this man would actually apologize to me.   He started out by telling me "remember when you were younger and used to say you wanted a white picket fence around a home and have horses and drinking fresh squeezed orange juice every morning?"  I was like yes...but that's not why I'm calling. I let him continue to talk....I realized the man was completely insane. He was acting like everything was normal...talking bad about my family to me, and reminiscing about the past, minus the abuse, even talking to me about God and how he was going to church. After 5 minutes of him going on and on...I finally told him that I was calling him to get closure and possibly a sorry...he started to interrupt me. I told him look. You can tell your lies to anyone, to your family to your friends and whoever. But the fact remains that I know what happened, you know what happened, and God knows what happened. I let him know there's no escape from God...that I didn't wish ill on him...but that I realize he is crazy and gets help.  I hung up. I never got my closure from him.  But again I realized how insane he was by the conversation.  Sometimes we have to accept that closure comes from within ourselves.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Triggers and my struggle with Religion

I still have triggers that I’m learning to deal with after all these years.  I still have to figure out what they all are because I don’t realize  until its to late.
My number 1 trigger is the smell of Brute. My step father use to use this. It comes in a green bottle and the smell takes me back the moment I smell it. I remember one time my husband was going to purchase the deodorant of that brand….I completely flipped out.

Another trigger…that’s not really something I come across, but it’s a memory that comes to my mind daily, that I have no control over. I love the Virgin Mary…but my step father was a “fake” catholic.  He never went to church the whole time I knew him. He used to make jokes about my aunts being crazy religious dummy’s and would turn any talk about God into something negative. He was against church and talk of God in our home.  Yet he claimed to be catholic and had a few religious items through out the home. Like a extremely large Virgin Mary portrait that was hung on the wall outside both of our room doors. The doors were right next to each other.  Every time I used the restroom, I seen her.  every time I went out or in of my or his room…I seen her.  I must have been in a very bad place on a occasion because I have a memory where her  eyes were bleeding. They were like blood tears.  I don’t know where this memory came from.  But it really made it hard for me to find God. In fact I’m still searching.  I’ve always considered myself catholic…however I’m truly not sure what I believe.  I’m currently in the process of exploring religion.  I love all religions and believe in tolerance just as much as I believe in Jesus…I believe a virgin gave birth to Jesus.  I also believe that Muslims, Jewish people and people of all religions are practicing a faith that God sent.   I’ve recently been going to a Christian church with my son.  Its been a few months.  So far I love it.  They are all about helping the community…and my son has made positive changes since attending.  The other churches I went to in the bay area seem to be more interested in politics.  Seriously I’ve been to churches here where they have flags of specific countries hung around the church.  What bothered me was they didn’t have all flags. It made me think they believed only those select countries were worthy of God.   And for those who don’t believe in God…well I have no problem with them either. I’m very tolerant of accepting others beliefs as long as they don’t try to convert me.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Extreme bathing habits and ridiculous accusations of seduction to a Nasty Disgusting Man

My hair has been thinning for a while…I thought it was stress. It may be that, or the fact that when I shower I have to wash my body from head to toe 3 times during 1 shower. This includes washing my hair 3 times. I know that after 1 cleaning I’m good. But sometimes I never feel clean.
I didn’t realize that I was doing this until my husband started asking my I went through 1 container of my own body wash in less than a week…when he and my son will have theirs for a month at a time.   Or  if we were using soap why a bar would disappear in 2-3 days.   Lately I’ve been paying more attention to my habits so that I can correct them.
When I was younger, typically before the abuse would happen, I would be instructed to shower.   I remember hating showers when I was younger. I didn’t like brushing my teeth or anything before the age of 14.  Gross right?  Well what’s even more gross was my step father.  He was a very large man. And I’m not trying to offend larger people because I’ve put on my own adult pounds. But I was a very small thin child. And my step father must have been at least 350 lbs…maybe larger. He had horrible teeth odor and was uncircumcised and even though he showered everyday…he sometimes had some type of white stuff around his penis.  He was  smelly dirty fat man. Thinking back to the police report I read…(the information he gave to police). He basically accused me of seducing him. He used the exact term “she used to prance around the house naked”  The only reason I remember these things words typed is because he had a way he talked…and key words he seemed to use all the time. Prance was one of those words.  But yes I was naked a lot of the time…because of him. But I guess it was his way of not accepting responsibility.  My step father had a big mouth…Everyone that came to our home. He talked crap about all of the other relatives When they left and someone else would visit…same thing.  So I know he opened his mouth and probably did a lot of talking to make me look bad. But I wonder how anyone could have even listened to him without wanting to beat him.  Because I was a nice looking young girl…and I cant imagine how anyone would believe that I seduced him.  At a certain age between 8-10 when I started to notice real boys my own age…It took everything in me to block out what was actually taking place. Anyways...So body filth is something that repulses me to the extreme.