Sunday, July 15, 2012

Triggers and my struggle with Religion

I still have triggers that I’m learning to deal with after all these years.  I still have to figure out what they all are because I don’t realize  until its to late.
My number 1 trigger is the smell of Brute. My step father use to use this. It comes in a green bottle and the smell takes me back the moment I smell it. I remember one time my husband was going to purchase the deodorant of that brand….I completely flipped out.

Another trigger…that’s not really something I come across, but it’s a memory that comes to my mind daily, that I have no control over. I love the Virgin Mary…but my step father was a “fake” catholic.  He never went to church the whole time I knew him. He used to make jokes about my aunts being crazy religious dummy’s and would turn any talk about God into something negative. He was against church and talk of God in our home.  Yet he claimed to be catholic and had a few religious items through out the home. Like a extremely large Virgin Mary portrait that was hung on the wall outside both of our room doors. The doors were right next to each other.  Every time I used the restroom, I seen her.  every time I went out or in of my or his room…I seen her.  I must have been in a very bad place on a occasion because I have a memory where her  eyes were bleeding. They were like blood tears.  I don’t know where this memory came from.  But it really made it hard for me to find God. In fact I’m still searching.  I’ve always considered myself catholic…however I’m truly not sure what I believe.  I’m currently in the process of exploring religion.  I love all religions and believe in tolerance just as much as I believe in Jesus…I believe a virgin gave birth to Jesus.  I also believe that Muslims, Jewish people and people of all religions are practicing a faith that God sent.   I’ve recently been going to a Christian church with my son.  Its been a few months.  So far I love it.  They are all about helping the community…and my son has made positive changes since attending.  The other churches I went to in the bay area seem to be more interested in politics.  Seriously I’ve been to churches here where they have flags of specific countries hung around the church.  What bothered me was they didn’t have all flags. It made me think they believed only those select countries were worthy of God.   And for those who don’t believe in God…well I have no problem with them either. I’m very tolerant of accepting others beliefs as long as they don’t try to convert me.


  1. I'm sorry you had such a poor example of a religion growing up. With my OCD, I have a lot of religious problems--it's hard for me to pray, for example, because I start repeating the words until it's nonsense. I'm glad you've found a church that you enjoy so far. If they're about helping others in the community, then that's good in my opinion.

    1. Yes..I'm hoping that it's the spiritual home I've been looking for :) .