Monday, July 23, 2012

What is a pedophile?

I goggled -what is a pedophile?

this is what came up.... 


A person who is sexually attracted to children.

I continued researching this and was very upset by Wikipedia's explanation 

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This article is about the sexual interest in prepubescent children. For the sexual act, see Child sexual abuse. For the primary sexual interest in 11–14 year old pubescents, see Hebephilia. For mid-to-late adolescents (15–19), see Ephebophilia.
Not to be confused with Paraphilic infantilism.

As a medical diagnosis, pedophilia, or paedophilia, is defined as a psychiatric disorder in persons who are 16 years of age or older typically characterized by a primary or exclusive sexual interest in prepubescent children (generally those under the age of 14, though onset of puberty varies). 

Friday, July 20, 2012

No post today..God Bless the victims in Aurora Texas!

Instead of my usual daily post....I will spend today praying for the families and victims of this horrible crime.

I took the below from

Gunman kills 12 in Colorado movie theater

By Chelsea J. Carter and Michael Pearson, CNN
updated 10:19 AM EDT, Fri July 20, 2012
  • NEW: Federal sources identify shooter as 24-year-old Aurora, Colorado, man
  • Police say 12 people killed and 38 were wounded in movie theater shooting
  • Shooter used an "AK type" rifle and two handguns, a law enforcement official says
  • The suspected gunman was taken into custody outside the theater, police say
(CNN) -- A heavily armed gunman attacked an Aurora, Colorado, movie theater early Friday, tossing tear gas before opening fire on the terrified audience and killing 12 and wounding 38, authorities said. The theater was showing the new Batman movie, "The Dark Knight Rises."
One of the injured was just 3 months old, according to hospital workers.
Police arrested a man believed to be the shooter in a rear parking lot of the theater, Frank Fania, a police spokesman, told CNN.
"He did not resist. He did not put up a fight," Fania said. Police seized a rifle and a handgun from the suspect, and another gun was found in the theater, he said.
Two federal law enforcement sources involved in the investigation identified the suspect as James Holmes, 24, of Aurora, Colorado.
Suspect warns of explosives in his home
Witness: Little girl wasn't moving
Witness sees shots through theater wall
Police describe Batman shooting scene
Aurora Police Chief Dan Oates said there was no evidence of a second gunman, and FBI spokesman Jason Pack said it did not appear the incident was related to terrorism.
President Barack Obama said he and first lady Michelle Obama were "shocked and saddened" by the shooting and pledged the administration's support for victims of the shooting.
"As we do when confronted by moments of darkness and challenge, we must now come together as one American family," Obama said.
Chaos broke out during the showing of "The Dark Knight Rises" at the Century Aurora 16 theater when the shooting began, police and witnesses said.
Police said the gunman appeared in the front of the theater and threw a smoke bomb before opening fire. A federal law enforcement official told CNN the smoke bomb described by witnesses was tear gas.
It was unclear how the man got into the theater, but witnesses told CNN affiliate KUSA that he came in through an emergency door.
One movie-goer, who was not identified, told KUSA the gunman was wearing a gas mask.
Some people in the audience thought the thick smoke and gunfire was a special effect accompanying the movie, police and witnesses said.
The smoke smelled like a Fourth of July firework, said CNN iReporter Adam Witt. It took a few gunshots before he figured out what was going on.
"There were so many people running," he said. "I didn't look back. I just remember getting up from the floor and shouting, 'We have to run.'"
Witt said he held his wife's hand as they rushed out of the theater.
"There was a moment where I lost her hand, but I grabbed her shirt," he said. "We didn't let go of each other."
Quentin Caldwell, who was attending a screening in the adjacent theater, said he wasn't sure at first what was going on, despite hearing a "pop, pop, pop, pop" sound.
"We really didn't know something was happening until someone came from the left entrance and said we should not go outside because somebody with a gun was out there," he said.
Armed guards appeared at the theater exit and demanded audience members raise their arms to ensure they were not carrying weapons, then told them to run, Caldwell said.
"Outside was chaos. There was wounded everywhere," he said.
Cell phone video taken by someone at the theater showed scores of people screaming and fleeing the building. Some had blood on their clothes.
One police officer carried a girl believed to be about 9 with gunshot wounds to her back out of the theater, a witness said. "She wasn't moving."
Officers rushed many of the wounded to hospitals in their patrol cars.
Authorities also have evacuated the suspect's Aurora apartment building after he made a statement about explosives in his unit, Oates said.
The shooter used at least four guns -- an "AK type" rifle, a shotgun and two handguns, a federal law enforcement official told CNN. The source also said the shooter used tear gas.
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms agents have searched the suspect's car and went to his home to search for explosives, agency spokesman Tom Mangan said.
Law enforcement officers who searched the suspect's apartment found "items of interest," a federal law enforcement source involved in the investigation told HLN. He did not elaborate.
A woman who lives across the street from where the suspect is believed to live said her building was evacuated by police around 4 a.m.
"They told us there was a bomb or bomb material located in the house across the street from us." Rebecca Bradshaw said.
In addition to looking into the possibility of explosives, ATF agents also are conducting emergency traces on the weapons used to see how they were obtained, Mangan said.
Police initially said 14 people had died -- 10 in the theater and four at area hospitals, but revised the death toll to 12 later Friday morning, according to Aurora Police Lt. Jad Lanigan.
Several people remained in critical condition at area hospitals.
Of the wounded, at least 20 were being treated at the University of Colorado Hospital, said spokeswoman Jacque Montgomery. All of the wounded suffered from gunshot wounds, which ranged from minor to critical, she said.
"They're arriving by police, by ambulance. Some are walking in," she said.
The victims being treated there ranged in age from 3 months to 45, the hospital said.
Denver Health Center had six patients from the shooting, one in critical condition and five in fair condition, said Shelly Davis, house supervisor.
Swedish Health Center spokeswoman Nicole Williams said her hospital was treating three people, two of them in critical condition and one in fair condition. A fourth patient was on the way, she said.
Parker Adventist Hospital was treating two people for minor injuries, according to a spokeswoman.
Hundreds of police officers descended on the theater, and the FBI has joined the investigation.
"We were calling for help from every police and fire agency," Fania said.
Warner Bros., the studio behind the movie, said the company and filmmakers were "deeply saddened" to learn of the incident. The studio canceled the movie's Paris premiere, while New York police Commissioner Raymond Kelly said his officers would watch over screenings of "The Dark Knight" to prevent copycat shootings.
Aurora, a Denver suburb, is about 13 miles from Littleton, Colorado -- site of the April 1999 Columbine High School massacre.
In that incident, two teenage students, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, armed themselves with guns and bombs and opened fire inside the high school. They killed 13 people and wounded 23 others before killing themselves.
Are you there? Share your story with us on CNN iReport.
CNN's Carol Cratty, Mike Brooks, Ed Payne, Joe Sterling, Tina Burnside, Mike Brooks and Jim Spellman contributed to this report.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Sex offender arrested 168 times and still on the streets to assault others?

Seriously???? When are we going to stop protecting sex offenders? this is pathetic. 168 arrests? so many people were sexually assaulted by this man... that's a lot of people who will have to deal with issues because of this man. When are we going to stop accepting this in our culture?? open your eyes people, this is the future of accepting abuse were leaving our children and grandchildren. Lets change the future for them!

Monday, July 16, 2012

The day I called my abuser to get closure

I received an email from someone asking me what my abuser thought of my blog. Well he passed away in 2005. he passed away from cancer.

Around 10 years ago I did talk to him. I called him on the phone to get some closure. I don't remember how I got his number. If I called information, took it from my mother or some other way.

When he answered the phone I told him who I was and that I was calling to get closure...and that if he didn't want to talk to me, I'd understand and leave it at that to never bother him again. But he wanted to talk. I don't know why I was expecting that this man would actually apologize to me.   He started out by telling me "remember when you were younger and used to say you wanted a white picket fence around a home and have horses and drinking fresh squeezed orange juice every morning?"  I was like yes...but that's not why I'm calling. I let him continue to talk....I realized the man was completely insane. He was acting like everything was normal...talking bad about my family to me, and reminiscing about the past, minus the abuse, even talking to me about God and how he was going to church. After 5 minutes of him going on and on...I finally told him that I was calling him to get closure and possibly a sorry...he started to interrupt me. I told him look. You can tell your lies to anyone, to your family to your friends and whoever. But the fact remains that I know what happened, you know what happened, and God knows what happened. I let him know there's no escape from God...that I didn't wish ill on him...but that I realize he is crazy and gets help.  I hung up. I never got my closure from him.  But again I realized how insane he was by the conversation.  Sometimes we have to accept that closure comes from within ourselves.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Triggers and my struggle with Religion

I still have triggers that I’m learning to deal with after all these years.  I still have to figure out what they all are because I don’t realize  until its to late.
My number 1 trigger is the smell of Brute. My step father use to use this. It comes in a green bottle and the smell takes me back the moment I smell it. I remember one time my husband was going to purchase the deodorant of that brand….I completely flipped out.

Another trigger…that’s not really something I come across, but it’s a memory that comes to my mind daily, that I have no control over. I love the Virgin Mary…but my step father was a “fake” catholic.  He never went to church the whole time I knew him. He used to make jokes about my aunts being crazy religious dummy’s and would turn any talk about God into something negative. He was against church and talk of God in our home.  Yet he claimed to be catholic and had a few religious items through out the home. Like a extremely large Virgin Mary portrait that was hung on the wall outside both of our room doors. The doors were right next to each other.  Every time I used the restroom, I seen her.  every time I went out or in of my or his room…I seen her.  I must have been in a very bad place on a occasion because I have a memory where her  eyes were bleeding. They were like blood tears.  I don’t know where this memory came from.  But it really made it hard for me to find God. In fact I’m still searching.  I’ve always considered myself catholic…however I’m truly not sure what I believe.  I’m currently in the process of exploring religion.  I love all religions and believe in tolerance just as much as I believe in Jesus…I believe a virgin gave birth to Jesus.  I also believe that Muslims, Jewish people and people of all religions are practicing a faith that God sent.   I’ve recently been going to a Christian church with my son.  Its been a few months.  So far I love it.  They are all about helping the community…and my son has made positive changes since attending.  The other churches I went to in the bay area seem to be more interested in politics.  Seriously I’ve been to churches here where they have flags of specific countries hung around the church.  What bothered me was they didn’t have all flags. It made me think they believed only those select countries were worthy of God.   And for those who don’t believe in God…well I have no problem with them either. I’m very tolerant of accepting others beliefs as long as they don’t try to convert me.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Extreme bathing habits and ridiculous accusations of seduction to a Nasty Disgusting Man

My hair has been thinning for a while…I thought it was stress. It may be that, or the fact that when I shower I have to wash my body from head to toe 3 times during 1 shower. This includes washing my hair 3 times. I know that after 1 cleaning I’m good. But sometimes I never feel clean.
I didn’t realize that I was doing this until my husband started asking my I went through 1 container of my own body wash in less than a week…when he and my son will have theirs for a month at a time.   Or  if we were using soap why a bar would disappear in 2-3 days.   Lately I’ve been paying more attention to my habits so that I can correct them.
When I was younger, typically before the abuse would happen, I would be instructed to shower.   I remember hating showers when I was younger. I didn’t like brushing my teeth or anything before the age of 14.  Gross right?  Well what’s even more gross was my step father.  He was a very large man. And I’m not trying to offend larger people because I’ve put on my own adult pounds. But I was a very small thin child. And my step father must have been at least 350 lbs…maybe larger. He had horrible teeth odor and was uncircumcised and even though he showered everyday…he sometimes had some type of white stuff around his penis.  He was  smelly dirty fat man. Thinking back to the police report I read…(the information he gave to police). He basically accused me of seducing him. He used the exact term “she used to prance around the house naked”  The only reason I remember these things words typed is because he had a way he talked…and key words he seemed to use all the time. Prance was one of those words.  But yes I was naked a lot of the time…because of him. But I guess it was his way of not accepting responsibility.  My step father had a big mouth…Everyone that came to our home. He talked crap about all of the other relatives When they left and someone else would visit…same thing.  So I know he opened his mouth and probably did a lot of talking to make me look bad. But I wonder how anyone could have even listened to him without wanting to beat him.  Because I was a nice looking young girl…and I cant imagine how anyone would believe that I seduced him.  At a certain age between 8-10 when I started to notice real boys my own age…It took everything in me to block out what was actually taking place. Anyways...So body filth is something that repulses me to the extreme.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Clarifying something..And some questions for my son

I received 2 emails. So I’d like to clarify something. My son is not the child of my step-father.  I got pregnant with my son when I was 18 years old. I had him when I was 19. I had my child out of wed lock. He knows his father but is much closer with my husband who came into his life when he was around 7 years old.

Since I’m on the topic of my son… It wasn’t easy being my child.  I didn’t let my son spend the night with others until recently.  I had “The Talk” with him very early in life and brought it up every so often to keep the lines of communication open.
I think a big misconception can be that the abuse just hurts the victim.  However Abuse affects a family as whole.  It changes people.  As a child I wasn’t like everyone else.  I didn’t grow up learning to be a productive part of society.  Because I didn’t have anyone to teach me what I needed to be an adult.  I learned how to keep secrets…how to tell master lies and how to blame everyone else and make everyone else look bad, to make myself feel better about who I was.  That’s what my stepfather taught me. I spent most of my childhood with my step father.  Even though he was my abuser..I had lived with it so long that I didn’t realize It was supposed to be different.  In time I will share more about who I am and what type of situation I was raised in.  I will share about my own father who I didn’t spend much time with until my teenage years and how my step father tried to poising my mind against my real father and shamed me into hating my own race.

I was about to tell you what it was like for my son growing up as the child of a abuse survivor.  However I’m going to let him answer a few questions so that it’s from him…and not me.

At what age do you remember me discussing good touch and bad touch with you? And how often did this conversation come up during your childhood? I remember this topic coming up towards the beginning of my youth, around the age of 5. The topic wasn’t to frequent it was more of an every other year topic that came up randomly.

Do you feel that I sometimes let my past get in the way of your childhood and growth? If so in what way. Not at all, it’s never gotten in the way of my childhood, or growth. I feel like I surrounded myself with general things that impacted my life in a much more drastic way rather than this incident.

What were the positives and negatives of discussing abuse with you as a young child? It made me more aware of certain possibilities, it also helped further my judgment as a child. I feel that as a child I was furthered in general knowledge over this topic due to the talks and your history with the subject.

Please share what it was like being raised by an Abuse Survivor. I’ve had to deal with you nearly going over the edge which has dramatized me, but in this I have also become stronger and more caring for anybody that has had to deal with this topic because I know what it’s like for a person after something like this has happened.

Myths about Child Sexual Abuse

Social acceptance of myths silences victims and encourages public denial about the true nature of 
this silent epidemic. Accurate information is key when confronting and preventing child abuse. 

1. Myth:  He looks normal and acts normal, so he can’t be a child molester.
A common and dangerous public assumption is that a person who looks normal and acts normal
simply cannot be a child molester. Sex offenders are knowledgeable about the importance of their
public image, and can hide their private behaviors from their friends, neighbors, colleagues, and
even their own family members.  Sex offenders use a number of strategies which allow them to gain access to children while hiding their true actions. Many perpetrators seek out volunteer or employment positions that place adults in close proximity to children.  Some child molesters appear to be charming, socially
responsible, caring, compassionate, morally sound, and sincere.  Parents and other responsible
adults trust these individuals.  This leads to continued access to child victims.

2. Myth: Only Men Sexually Abuse Children. 
While male perpetrators tend to be the majority of reported cases of abuse, women are also
capable of child sexual assault.  Reports of female perpetrators are on the rise, and female
offenders have been reported in cases of abuse involving both male and female children.

3. Myth:  Child molesters target any and all children nearby. 
Just because a child is in the proximity of a sex offender, this does not mean that the child will
automatically become a target or a victim.  This may seem obvious, but some people believe that
if a perpetrator didn’t abuse a certain child to whom he had nearby, then the children who do
make an outcry of abuse must be lying.  Sex offenders carefully select and groom their targeted
victims, employing an outline or plan to get a particular child alone.  Not every child fits the
mold of what a pedophile is looking for.   There is a process of obtaining a child's friendship or
trust, and in some cases, the parent’s friendship or trust, as well.  Once trust has been obtained,
the child is more vulnerable, both emotionally and physically.

4. Myth:  Abused children always tell!
Children often fail to disclose their abuse.  This is frequently used as purported evidence that a
victim’s story isn’t plausible.  Children who have been victims of sexual assault often have
extreme difficulty in disclosing their victimization.  In Texas, one in four girls and one in six
boys will be a victim of sexual abuse before his or her 18th birthday, but it is estimated that only 
one in ten will make an outcry of abuse.  It is very common that if a child does make a
disclosure, it will not be immediate.  Children take time to process, understand what has occurred
and realize that they should tell.  A number of factors affect a child’s ability to tell his or her story.  The age of the child can be a factor, along with a family relationship to the perpetrator, or continuous sexual abuse over a long period of time.  Sex offenders will emotionally victimize a child to prevent the truth from being 
uncovered.  A perpetrator can convince a child that the child is to blame him or herself for the
bad act.  A perpetrator may threaten physical harm to a family member, friend, parent,
household pet, or the victim directly.  A perpetrator can make a child feel that a disclosure would
‘ruin’ the family.  Boy children may be reluctant to make an outcry because of the social stigma
attached to abuse by another male. Children experience fear, embarrassment, guilt, and shame.
These feelings are enough to prevent a child from making an allegation of sexual abuse.

5. Myth: The Victim is Always a Girl. 
Just as women can be sex offenders, boys may be victims of abuse.  Unfortunately, child sexual
abuse with male victims is underreported due to social and cultural attitudes: boys are taught to
fight back and not let others see vulnerability.  Boys are aware at an early age of the social stigma
attached to sexual assault by another male, and fear appearing weak to others. All of these
attitudes make male child victims less likely to tell of their abuse.

6. Myth:  Child victims of sexual abuse will have physical signs of the abuse.   
Frequently, an absence of physical evidence is often used as support that a perpetrator must be
innocent of an alleged sexual assault. The truth is that abnormal genital findings are rare, even in
cases where abuse has been factually proven by other forms of evidence.  Many acts leave no
physical trace. Injuries resulting from sexual abuse tend to heal very quickly, and many times,
exams of child victims do not take place on the same day as the alleged act of abuse.

7. Myth:  Stranger Danger 
85% of all reported cases of child molestation involve a child and a known perpetrator. It is not
the stranger in the park carrying out most cases of sexual abuse – it is the people you have in
your home.  The people most likely to abuse a child are the ones with the most opportunity, most access, and most trust.  Abusers can be parents, step-parents, uncles, aunts, step-siblings,
babysitters, tutors, and family friends.

8.  Myth:  Sexual victimization as a child will inevitably result in the child growing up to become a sex offender.  
Early childhood sexual victimization does not automatically lead to sexually aggressive behaviors.
This is a particularly important fact to understand because a misunderstanding can create a
terrible stigma for a child who has been sexually abused.  While past sexual victimization can
increase the likelihood of sexually aggressive behavior, most children who were sexually victimized
never perpetrate against others.  Multiple factors contribute to the development of sexually
offensive behaviors. These include not only a history of sexual victimization, but also exposure to
domestic violence or other violent behaviors. Research by Jane Gilgun, Judith Becker and John
Hunter has indicated that if a child discloses an incident of abuse early and is believed and
supported by other close people in their lives, they have a much higher likelihood to not become
perpetrators as adults.

9.  Myth:  Child Sexual Abuse is a cultural or socioeconomic problem.
It is frequently believed that abuse is a problem plaguing only certain families or people with a
certain level of family income and education.  Sometimes people believe that incest only happens
in lower class and/or rural families. Sexual abuse crosses all socio-economic, neighborhood, race
and class barriers.  It happens in large and small families; in cities and in rural areas; in wealthy
and lower income neighborhoods; and in homes, schools, churches, and businesses.  

18 over/under

I've decided not to make the blog for 18 and over only...because even though this is a very adult topic.  Children and teenagers may be going through something right now and find this blog.  I know they feel like they are the only one. That no one will believe them. That it may have been going on so long, it must be their fault for letting it continue to happen.  That they must be asking for it because they go along with it.  But I know that they are confused, brainwashed and the Pervert who is doing this to them is so loved by others that everyone is ignoring their reality....even all the signs are there and others may have even stumbled in on a situation but of course there's always a reasonable explanations from the Pervert.  I want to be able to find some links or something to add to the blog so that they can find resources to getting them out of their misery.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Age 16. Leaving the Abuse, My family's reaction and my ranting

I will try to share in time order. However, I may jump back and forth.  Especially in the beginning. I’m known for ramblings…and I sometimes write as though I’m rambling as well. What I will tell you now is that it wasn’t just touching once or twice. Not that someone who may have only been touched once by an adult shares less pain than I do. I've learned that everyone’s worst pain is equal. because its the worst they've ever known. So to be fair before I move forward, you should know the sexual abuse was pretty extreme and frequent. My mother worked graveyard for so many years...and especially during those times it was daily or every other day.

Today I want to share the friction I received from my family at the age of 16 when I spoke up. Instead of receiving support from my family. I became the burden everyone passed around (well not everyone. Some family didn’t want anything to do with me).

Honestly I feel I've had to keep everything inside because of how my family handled the situation back then .....  I feel like I'm supposed to pretend the first 16 years of my life didn’t happen. Because the few times it has been brought up, someone will appear irritated with me that I haven’t gotten over it. I cant count the number of times I've been told "it happened so long ago"...or "you need to get over this and move on". It makes me feel either they don’t care about me. Or really don’t get what I went through. Because not 1 person from my family ever asked me what I really went through.  But when everything came out, I had relatives upset with me because they said I was hurting my mother and everyone was falling over there feet to protect my mother...but not protect me. All I heard was how I was given anything I wanted as a child, my own room, a TV my own phone line. Nice right? I had everything. However, my stepfather had a switch next to his bed that he could switch on and off. This switch controlled the power to my room and my private phone line. we had deadbolts on our front and back door that was locked from the inside with a key, not a latch. I didn’t have a key. There was a latch on our refrigerator that had to be unlocked with a key...why I needed to ask to get something from the fridge at age 13 was beyond me. was I eating to much? In the family room behind the large TV there was a lock box which is similar to the old metal boxes that held the keys to the cars on dealership lots. he would lock the plugs to the large TV and the stereo in those boxes. Because I could only watch the house TV or listen to the house stereo was If someone else was watching or listening to them. I was only allowed to use the TV and radio in my room. insane things that he did within the house to make it a prison for me.   So everything I had was not for me. It was for him. As I got older he would search for other ways to control me to keep my mouth shut. but he didn’t need to punish me to keep my mouth shut. I kept it shut because my mother had heart problems. Growing up my mother was in and out of the hospital because of medical issues. I remember one time we went to the hospital and we were told that her heart stopped beating for a few minutes in the middle of 1 of her surgeries‘.  I was conditioned to believe that not only was the abuse my fault because I let it happen for so long and now he needs me(please keep in mind I was only 2 years old when this started). but if I were to ever say anything, my mother would die of a heart attack and I would be taken to jail. as I got older the story turned from jail to a foster home where I will be raped by black men. I'm not a racist but I was raised by one. So even though I was the victim. I was blamed for causing all this turmoil.
I had previously confided in other relatives about the abuse and moved out for a while. But they sent me back home because my mother convinced them it wasn’t what I was making it out to be, I was exaggerating. It's a misunderstanding and something about we were going to get counseling. I went home and had to pretend like everything was normal...not 1 word about anything. The last time I ran away  that eventually lead to his incarceration was at age 16. I went to my Uncle and Aunts home and told them what he did to me. We didn’t call the police. But my step father went to turn himself into the police and gave some lame story about there’s a misunderstanding and I’m telling my family lies and I’m troubled and he doesn’t know why I’m doing this.  He tried to control the situation from the beginning. making me look crazy and like a liar even though I just wanted to get away. someone told my parents where I was staying. my step father gave the police the address. I was so scared when they came because I thought they were going to take me away to child services. I didn’t want to talk to them. But they finally convinced me to go to the station and tell the truth and they wouldn’t take me to child services as long as I was with family. I spoke to one of my aunts who advised me to not worry about anyone else. She told me to stand up for myself and tell the police everything that man put me through.
 ...A few days later another aunt called to speak to me. Her exact words were "why are you doing this to your mother? you know if you lie in front of a judge you will go to prison for perjury". I will never forget that. I hung up the phone.
While my step-father was in Prison, his leg was getting amputated because of his diabetes. I had aunt's coming to consol my mother, crying with her because her husband lost part of his leg.  No one cried over what he did to me like that.  Here’s the worst part, they felt the need to let me know he was suffering and I was just moving on with my life...poor him. Then they got mad at me because I didn’t give a crap and was kind of happy that he was suffering. What were they thinking? That I would have compassion? I really don’t know.  Forgiveness or getting over it was more important than What he did to me.  My aunts and mother had conversations with me about. I have to get used to the fact that he is coming home in a few years and that’s just something I'm going to have to accept. And that he is part of the family and will be at family functions and I would have to choose if I would attend or not because that’s my mothers husband. My mother went behind my back and sent my abuser a family photo I had taken with me, my son, my brother, and my mom for my sons first picture. I found this out because I was invading my mothers privacy and reading the letters in her drawer that they used to mail back and forth to each other. when he would send her back the photos and photos his other relatives used to send him. I was so devastated and hurt. why would she send him a photo of me? or my son? He's not only a sick pervert but he did perverted things to me...but she saw it as, this is a photo of his family. I know that I'm making my mother look pretty bad here. But she was completely brainwashed by her husband. He conditioned her to. To believe that she was crazy. That the few times she stumbled in on something happening to me...nothing was going on, it was something else, her imagination. He also kept me and my mother apart. Now she realizes it. But back then she thought. This man loves me and my daughter and treats her like his own child and he is just being a good dad. And the 1 time she did question me...I must of been around 7 years old. she said. Tell me the truth and she asked me a few times. I told her no that nothing was going on. I was scared to say anything. I thought it was all my fault and I’d go to jail and she would die. She also had other issues from her past she hadn’t dealt with, that kept her seeing it for what it was. My mother is a survivor as well. She survived his abuse.  He betrayed her in the most sickest of ways.

I'm not going to pretend that between the ages of 16 and early adulthood I wasn’t off the hook causing as much destruction as I could. I was going to make everyone suffer for not caring about me. The only thing that was real to me was pain. I used to get drunk wasted with my cousins and get high with my friends. I didn’t keep it secret...I was dying for any type off attention positive or negative. I just needed to feel something because my spirit was dead.  I know that there are members of my family who do love me and have been there for me. And maybe they just thought I wouldn’t want to talk about it.  I've been accused at this point in my life that I keep to myself and tend to push others away without a second thought...Its because I don’t trust anyone. It's hard to trust anyone after I went to speak at my step fathers court sentencing with only my mother and my aunt who sat next to my mother (my mother was there for her husband). I sat on the next Isle with my therapist (that I was paying for myself at age 16). The rows behind my step father were filled with people  that I had called aunty, uncle and cousins. They were there for this pedophile. not me. they didn’t care what this man did to me. They loved him so much, they didn’t care he stole my life and made me his live in sex slave.  I know I'm using extreme words here. But I don’t know how else to put it without saying it like it was. Each year I got older...and the abuse became more extreme. When I needed family to comfort me. Because I was just a young girl, younger than my son is today, I was alone. I don’t understand this. I had 1 aunt who believed me the minute I told her, she didn’t question me or go to my mother first to try to work it out privately. She believed in me. And she was the only who didn’t put my mothers needs first. she put me first. She was the only one.

To be fair to my Mother. I know I’m making her look pretty bad here. She was prepared for this and doesn’t want me to alter my story in anyway.  I know some of you cant imagine how this went on for so long.  My mother has agreed to answer any questions anyone may have. I know I just started posting yesterday. So I’d like to wait a month to see if I get any readers…and I will interview my mother and post the audio file to my blog. So if anyone has any questions for my mother please email them to

Tuesday, July 10, 2012


You may be wondering what brought me to this point of exposing my past. ME! I'm doing this for me! I need to clean this from my soul. Over the past few years I've had numerous conversations with my mother, husband and 17 year old son. I wanted to know how they would feel if I were to share my story. Would they be embarrassed, or feel as though I'm shaming them by putting this out there. They've always supported my decision to speak out 100%. If they had one hesitation I wouldn't be writing this. Even though I'm not sharing my name. I have posted the link on my personal facebook. Some of my friends and my relatives overseas know nothing about this part of my past. So as I share my life anonymously online, I pray that I don’t upset anyone in the process. This my personal journey to freedom.


I'm a 36 year old woman who was molested by my step father from ages 2 to 14.  I've lived outside of the abuse for more than half of my life. I'm ready to reclaim my life!

That may sound silly "RECLAIM MY LIFE" but it's my reality today.

I've spent most of my adult life trying to escape my past. I even left USA and moved to my fathers country of Lebanon to leave everything behind.

I'm back in USA since 2006 because of the conflict. Since I've returned the emotions returned. I'm tired of isolating myself, feeling hopeless and scared of who will discover my truth, or who I may run into from my past.  I've felt so alone in my head for way to long. I know there are others who's reality is worse than mine. So I'm ready to share "EVERYTHING".

Why would I want to share my life with strangers online? Because I need to. I need to free myself from this. My step-father was put in prison for 6 years. However that didn’t erase all the abuse I lived under this man. Sexual, physical, mental and emotional.

I'm praying that each door I unlock to share will free me from the shame I live with.